I feel kind of bad because I have been keeping my love, Karen, a secret. I've not been ashamed of her or anything, but so far it's been one of those internet romances so I guess I feel embarrassed about it. Like when my friend comes up to me and says, "I just fucked this amazing woman from France! Hey bud, are you seeing anybody"? Well, I guess I feel like kind of a loser just saying, "Oh, I'm talking to some girl on the internet. I think it's serious". Especially when you consider I've been celebate for around five years.
Sometimes I'm embarrassed about the situation but then I feel extremely guilty about handling it like this because she cares about me so deepy and it really does touch me deeply as well. Nobody has ever cared about me so much my entire life. That's how it feels at any rate. People may have cared about me that much some time in the past, but if so I don't remember it, but certainly no one has cared about me that much lately enough where I can easily remember it.
I used to get around quite a bit when I was younger and she's read my memoirs, so she's always convinced in the back of her head that I'm running around living it up with all kinds of girls all the time which is nothing short of absolutely ridiculous when you consider I live out in the middle of nowhere (nothing here but Mexican families) and do nothing but talk to her online all day or night all the time.
I don't do business with prostitutes, and if you know anything you know women place a lot of demands on your time even if you are only in it for the sex. In fact, from my experience it's not even that they merely want to spend a lot of time around you, but they want nothing short of actually monopolizing your time usually. There may be women who just want to drop by just for a quick fuck before going off again along their merry way, I suppose anything is possible, but from all that I have seen unless you are paying them they will want much more from you than that. Even Anne, who you may deduce only hung around with me to get high on my drugs, usually wanted to hang out or go out most of the time. People that are allowed to just fuck whoever they want when the urge overtakes them and can just casually saunter off about their own business afterwards like Sam Malone or the Fonze and crap like that exist only in the realm of fiction from my experience.
As usual I had millions of things I wanted to say and then when I finally decide to type them out I cannot think of any of them. Why is the human mind such a massochist that way?
Anyway, all I wanted was someone to settle down with and keep me company. Sure, I'll be honest, sometimes I think I may want to have a fling once in a while, but I know from experience it's always way more complicated than you assume it will be because it will involve girls, yes girls, the same ones that have that inexplicable compulsion to monopolize your time that I only just mentioned. I already get in major fucking trouble every few weeks because she thinks I'm sneaking around, and despite that fact she's always dead wrong, that doesn't prevent her suspicions from again getting majorly arouse a mere week or two later over some silly thing. I can't even imagine what the situation would be like if I was actually ever seeing anyone and she found out.
Also I've kind of let myself go lately. I've always been pretty thin all my life, but Karen says she like guys who are more, rotund? Yeah, or we can just say more corpulent, and that has indeed happened. I did not achieve this through over eating, but rather by just staying home all the time talking to her on the internet. I always tell myself it would be easy enough to slim back down again should I decide too simply with more walking exersize, but lately my back has been bothering me so I worry that that may no longer be possible, or at least much more difficult if it is.
Well, Karen likes it, and I suppose it shouldn't be an altogether unlikely stretch that other women may too, but I think most don't, and, to be honest, I'm not altogether too comfortable with it either.
I've never been all that vain, theres much more to a man that makes him attractive than merely his looks. In fact, I really believe looks are the least important ingrediant in the equation. Self confidence and actual worldly power are infinitely more powerful attractants than one's physical appearance. Also, I can't say how attractive I actually am anyway. I often think that were I a woman I would be attracted to more masuline looking guys than what I am. My features are symetrical, so I don't suppose I can actually be considered ugly, but if I look pleasant I imagine it must be in a more aristocratic sort of way. "Beauty is only absense of deformity." Anyway, I may have already mentioned my poor self confidence. All I know is now I feel like a whale and I am worried I may be stuck that way. To compensate sometimes I like to flirt a bit online. I don't know any of these women personally, in fact, I have no way of knowing that they are actually even women at all aside from what they just tell me. They all live far away all over the fucking place anyway. As you may rightly speculate this has been another cause of contention between myself and Karen. She doesn't seem to understand that verbal flirting necessarily has anything to do with actually having or wanting to have sex with someone, even if it gets a little descriptive. Sometimes she even gets all in a huff by girls 'liking' my pictures on facebook or simply having a kind word for me. It really gets ridiculous sometimes. Even were these women making graphic propositions to me online, if I didn't provoke it through my own sincere words how am I responsible for that? She even accuses me of having to do with men based on comments made to me that were kind of vague. What am I to do about stuff like that I ask you? I've even blocked several people because she was so upset about them. But it does no good because later it will just be something else.
The latest disaster involved a bit of funny business. I have been being victimized by computer surveylance for quite some time now. If you just happen to be as ignorant about it as I was, to may be surprised to know that there are a number of products available that will let you watch and record all of someone's internet and computer activity, record all their keystrokes and much more, even granting you remote control of their actual computer. All very scary stuff. If you are at all curious just google 'Webwatcher', which is the big one used by law enforcement to monitor suspects, and yes, it's available to the public, so any angry X girlfriend or any other type of asshole can get it and totally fuck up your life. Of course this one they need actual physical access to your machine to upload, but they have other kinds, like SC Keylogger, which can be hidden in an email attatchment and emailed to the intended victim so when he opens it he infects his own computer. There are several different brands of both kinds available. Do some research.
How I found out about it was I had noticed a lot of weird things going on for years, passwords mysteriously changing on my accounts, strangers knowing my internet habits, the contents of my emails, creepy stuff like that. It was driving me crazy because I had no idea how they were doing this. I kept opening up new email accounts with different passwords all over the place but no matter what I did weird things kept happening.
Well one day I downloaded some program to clean out my computer because it was running so damned slow and as I was running it all the names of the various programs and viruses were coming up. I noticed a big file called "Webwatcher". The name kind of intrigued me so I googled it. I couldn't believe what I found. I was suddenly catapulted into a twisted world of internet spying and espionage. I also found SC Keylogger and one or two others, so I feel it's safe to assume there is more than one person who was doing this to me. No wonder my computers always run so damed slow and weird thing wer always happening.
I have never infringed upon any serious laws so I'm not being officially investigated. Of course these are fucked up private citizens, and of course I've formulated a few theories explaining what's going on, but that is not the purpose of this document.
Although I have thoroughly researched these spy programs I have yet to discover any easy way to remove them from a computer. The only way I have found is to wipe the entire hard drive and reload all the default programs with a factory disc, but these days you have to buy them from the manufacturer and they are expensive.
Incidently I have since moved and even got a new computer, but this stuff just kept happening. Was a time I was thinking of moving down south to live with my brother, but someone emailed him from MY account telling him to fuck off. I didn't send it. Luckily he thought it was a joke so no harm done but of course it still freaked me out. Anyway, passwords still mysteriously change sometimes locking me out of accounts. Sometimes I have managed to change them back, but it has not always been possible. I downloaded that program again and scanned my machine and found more of that spyware crap. SC Keylogger and some other one I can't recall, they have so many available. It would really disturb me if even here someone was able to come into my room and upload it, and if one was emailed to me I can't remember who could have done it since Karen is basically the only one who has emailed me at all in the past year really.
The latest tragedy is they have some screwy new feature on facebook where posts will be marked with 'viewed by so and so', and this stamp has shown up on one of my recent posts where it was supposedly viewed by some girl I blocked about 6 months ago to appease Karen, and a post by this woman was stamped that it had been viewed by me. Nonsense of course since she has been blocked since last summer. Only thing I can think of is, unless it's just some random facebook glitch, someone must have gone into my account and unblocked her and she saw my post and whoever was in my computer looked at hers. Of course if this person or persons had been eavesdropping on the conversations between Karen and myself they would know about all the drama between Karen and I over this person. Granted, it's an artfully subtle thing for them to do, but if they have been watching they also know how closely Karen always scrutinizes my accounts, so nothing more blatantly obvious would be necessary, in fact, just a little sort of incidental detail like this could be much more affective, and it was. It's the only explanation I can think of because I have not so much as thought of this woman since July or whenever it was. If this is merely a system glitch it's a pretty bad one, and if it's not the theory I concocted to explain it is the best I can come up with considering my limited knowledge of computers, and of course if someone doesn't know about or believe that others have access to and control over my computer activities I can see that it sounds rather unconvincing, but the fact is I blocked this woman over 6 months ago and have had absolutely nothing to do with her since. Theres also the fact that this past weekend someone again changed the password on my facebook account, so clearly someone had been messing around in there recently.
Well, in my desperation to convince her of my innocence I granted her access to that account while I was chatting with her from another. I felt it was the only way to prove to her I've not been speaking to this other girl. All she had to do was pull up the conversation between her and I to see there is nothing more recent than last summer. She could also easily see I've not had any contact with any of the other people I have blocked just to please her. Sounds simple enough but I knew her well enough to have misgivings about that seemingly simple plan.
Lord, I knew it was a mistake and indeed it was, possibly the worse mistake of my life. As soon as she got in there it was Pandora's box all over again. She started asking me whether it was OK for her to look at this document or that document, well, considering I have not been up to anything I knew there should be no danger, but more importantly I felt pressured. I value my own privacy but I felt that if I denied her permission it would be grounds for new suspicions. However I also know how her paranoid mind works, how she always reads way too much into things no matter how trivial they in fact are, her gift for supposition and how she seems unable to resist jumping to conclusions. Against my better judgement, in order to appease her and not provide her with further grounds for distrust, I allowed her to look at whatever she asked too, and she even looked at a few I did not grant her permission to examine. I originally thought she would be in and out of there in less than five minutes, but she was in there over 40 before I finally kicked her out. Of course I felt terribly violated. Obviously I should never have let her in there to begin with. Once she got her way she got completely out of control. I felt like I was savagely date raped or something, and from the back.
I should have known how women delight in finding out secrets about others. I mean, everyone knows how nosey they are and how much they love gossip and the like.
Anyway, now things are worse than ever and it is over between us and she plans on committing suicide, so naturally I am gravely concerned. Year before last some time she told me about one of her suicide attempts and it made me so profoundly sad. It still does actually, and now this.
Of course, assuming I even had the time to actually be carrying on with somebody and I was, and Karen was unexpectedly able to access my personal account suddenly, of course she could easily find all our detailed convesations concerning our adultery out in plain view, and even though no such conversations existed for her to find, that can't stop her imagination from running amok, and it did. She finds some way old things from before I even met her and holds them up as proof of my infidelities till I point out the date, or lack thereof, several times for each example, incidentally. Or I point out how brief the correspondence was, like just two lines, not even representing a proper conversation. Again, not once, but several times. Or that time my old dealer texted my account to tell me she had fallen asleep on Bart and woke up in my town of Concord, of course she lept on this as proof I had been romantically involved with this theiving, ugly little troll, but I explained to her, repeatedly that, as should be obvious by the fact my dealer's announcement met with no response from me so obviously I never bothered arranging our meeting and walking all the way to the Concord Bart station almost two miles away in the middle of the night to pick her up and walk her all the way back here where I myself can only barely get comfortable. Besides, I didn't even discover her missive until the next morning so it would have been useless to reply even if I was so inclined. There also the fact she is always with her big, creepy Middle Eastern boyfriend which she never seems to remember to take into consideration. Maybe I neglected to tell her about him. If so it was because I never felt any particular need to since the idea Karen would ever suspect I was involved with her in that way never before occurred to me. Besides, she only very rarely came up in our discussions at all.
The big one was when that drug girl contacted me asking for me to go in with her on a hotel room, ostensibly so all of us could hang out and get loaded, but the fact is she's such a loser her priorities are all screwed up, so in her never ending quest for drugs she has neglected securing a home for herself. I know I called her my dealer, but she is not technically a dealer, rather she is a user who knows where to get the stuff and she majorly robs me every time she does so. She pockets most of the money for herself then majorly piches the dope on top of everything else. Of course, like all such assholes they never introduce you to their sources so they can continue taking advantage of you like this, so unless you cultivate such connections independently you have no choice but to go through these scumbags. And to be honest I just never hung out enough with that crowd getting high so I don't see how I can do that. Understandable when you consider most of them just aren't good company to begin with.
Well anyway, to her proposition that we should all get a room and party I just quipped that just coming back to my place would be better. I figured that would be much easier to get out of than promising to go in on a room if only because it was a weekend and the buses werent running out here and I live, I guess you could say way out in a sort of suburbs I guess, so I just didn't see them wanting to walk all that way just to get to my miserable little hovel. Besides, they like to stay in the city near all their loser drug friends. If I did see her all I wanted to do was just get my hands on the drugs and get the hell away from her.
At any rate, as proved by subsequent communications on that very thread I did not even get together with her that evening at all, not in a hotel room, not in my apartment or anywhere else for that matter. I can not now recall what did happen or what the circumstances were as it was not any kind of important day in my life so I have absolutely no recollection, probably being the rolling stone she is she got mixed up in something else and entirely forgot all about me, but the fact remains that whatever did happen it did not result in us actually getting together in any way as evidenced by the document. One can clearly see by looking further on that I was still trying to contact her at half passed ten that very evening. Of course, as you can well imagine just the very fact I said what I said about coming back here has created a lot of problems. Of course I suppose it's not reasonable to assume someone who has no experience with that scene to have any knowledge of all the subtle intricacies associated with it, like how, in this particular instance I was holding out the fact that I actually have a place to live and only offered to temporarily share it with them to party in as enticement to hopefully motivate them to actually get me a halfway decent deal for a change.
At any rate, I've not been seeing so much as a soul since I have known her, or for years before, actually, and despite the fact I granted her access to my private account and allowed her to rifle through it for nearly an hour she still could not find what simply isn't there to find.
I think the real tragedy here is that I may have literally killed her simply by not speaking of her with any discernable enthusiam to my aquaintences. This especially saddens me since she has been my world now for over a year and I literally do hardly anything other than talk to her all day all the time.
But again, who can fathom the female mind.